Returning To Life
I had been suffering from Lyme Disease and other infections beginning in infancy although I didn’t know it. I only knew that for decades life felt unbearable.
Nearly all of my time between early childhood and my late twenties was spent in heightened states of anxiety, panic, pain and despair. I was in pure survival mode, unable to rest and burning myself up. No one knew what was wrong.
I felt absolutely alone, as if trapped in a liminal state between worlds, neither fully alive nor fully dead. By adolescence the mantra “just don’t die” had become my single, recurring thought.
I was filled with rage, hatred, confusion and anguish at what I was experiencing, including deep trauma from other areas of my life. Without being aware of an alternative I became intensely self-critical, unable to overcome difficulties no one else seemed to be having and blaming myself for what I perceived as my own inadequacies.