As years passed I continued to deteriorate. I went to see countless doctors and tried an endless stream of supplements, medications and therapies all without much success. By my late twenties I figured I was at the end of the line, nothing left now but to die. It was from this final state of utter exhaustion and despair that I made a silent, heart-felt plea, praying Life would show me how to heal. I saw it as one last Hail Mary before the clock ran out. And wouldn’t you know… someone was listening. In fact, what happened next over a period of months and eventually years was more than my wildest imaginings.

I had been living in a such a deep state of contraction from so many years of illness that an initial phase of intense unwinding within my body felt physically painful and disorienting. I was using pain killers liberally just hoping to get some rest at night and yet they didn’t seem to do a thing, whatever was happening was taking place on a whole other level.

As weeks passed it became clear that I was experiencing a profound healing crisis. It was intense, terrifying, unrelenting, and I could feel that the doors of a previous life were being closed one by one. I didn’t have any reference for the process I was undergoing, I didn’t even have the language to describe it. As far as I was concerned I was losing my mind. Little did I know that that’s literally what was happening! I was forced to treat my developing connection with Spirit as a sort of lifeline to which I refereed every activity, belief, emotion or judgement in an all-or-nothing process of cleaning out the closet from a lifetime of stored physical, mental and emotional toxicity.

An unexpected feature of this newfound connection came in the form of other presences or beings who would make themselves known in my awareness. My way of experiencing these presences began as a bit of a jumble, a sort of smorgasbord of synesthesia where I would see, hear, feel, and know from many perspectives at once that someone—or something—was getting my attention. I was so doubtful that what I was experiencing was authentic and objective that for months I carefully constructed different practices and tests that would, I hoped, eliminate the possibility that I could be making this up. The tests were sometimes so elaborate that looking back I now have to laugh! But no matter how sophisticated the test I would construct I was blown away by how I would be communicated to in the most unlikely ways.

I used my inner connection the way most people use a smartphone—I referred everything in my life to it—everything. I even let myself be guided into new ways of shaving my face, tying my shoes, eating my food and a hundred other daily activities. I used the opportunity to turn my daily life into a living practice. The way I saw it, I didn’t have a disease problem, I had a “me” problem. I figured if I changed radically enough the old disease patterns which had taken me to death’s doorstep wouldn’t have a person to attach to anymore.

The rapport I had built with my inner communication became even more important when I was guided to leave everything behind and asked to drive across the country without a plan or ultimate destination but with a retreat to attend. This was a massive step. I had spent the previous few months beginning to adjust to my new life in the twilight zone, now the idea of leaving the safety net of a nearby doctor’s office knowing I wouldn’t ever return was frightening to the core. I had no job, no money, no insurance, no contacts, no home, no purpose, no destination and still quite a few attachments to my earlier life. It was terrifying. It took me a few tortured weeks of humming and hawing about the lunacy of the idea and attempting to work myself up before I finally committed to leave.

When the day finally came to drive down the driveway of my parents’ log cabin in upstate New York, it was with a feeling of being pushed through the cosmic birthing canal, as if I were exiting out of one incarnation and entering into the next. I knew I was never going to be a full-time patient with a full-time illness again, period. I clung to the idea that by confronting my deepest fears I’d discover the real healing I was after: healing of my mind, my heart and ultimately my relationship with God.

Today

My guidance would eventually take me around the world several times over a period of years as I continued to travel without a regular home or income. This was the chapter of time in which I was practicing deepening my lived and felt connection with Source daily, which was and is a constant companion. In fact, it’s the only thing happening!

Despite all of the initial cosmic fireworks which lasted strongly for several years, I hadn’t yet integrated much of my experience and there was plenty of work to be done once I “returned to earth”. My awareness had taken a rocket ship but large portions of me were still in need of some essential growth and maturity. The explosion of new awareness still needed to make a return back into my body and back to a life of balance where inner and outer worlds could completely integrate. The requirement for stability, patience, slowness and routine replaced the fireworks and LSD-like reality I’d been living in for so long. It’s taken nearly a decade to fully bring everything back into the container of a human life and the shared human challenges we each face every day. It’s why I’ve held off on offering these sessions until now.

As each of us attempts to navigate through the overwhelming challenges of a human life, I think some good advice might sound something like this: be gentle and compassionate with yourself and others, no one’s life came with an instruction manual. No matter how messy, painful or dysfunctional life looks at times, the truth is that every one of us is doing our darned best, just be open to the possibility that it’s all ok. You don’t need to know how to solve your own problems, let alone other peoples’ or the world’s. Just try on the idea that you are what the unconditional love of God looks and sounds like, and the life you’re living—with warts, messiness, suffering and all—is worthy of tremendous respect and consideration, maybe even a whole lotta love!

We’re all carrying around some pretty heavy luggage—most of it’s grief. It’s not your business to make it heal or disappear, it’s only your business as to whether you’re willing to feel and acknowledge what’s already inside of you. I invite you to open up a conversation with yourself, just the desire to let healing occur will change your life. I promise.

Finally, I don’t know much for certain anymore, in fact nothing holds up the more I examine it, except for maybe one thing: if you want healing, you’ve got to get on board with the way things are, and that means being willing to see the beauty, goodness and astounding wonder of the Being that you are and the life you’re currently living. Know that you are deeply loved, then treat yourself as if you truly matter. You do.